My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding

chapter 19



Over the past few weeks everything has been sorted for our wedding. I finally got the dress I wanted, even though it might not be the dress of my dreams. It’s not like I can back out of wearing it now anyway, Lara is sorting the exact alterations with her own two hands. She promised me she won’t be leaving any of the sewing tasks to her robot.

Today is lovely and sunny and I’m hoping the weather holds out over the next couple of days. Callum and I aren’t having an outdoor wedding, or anything like that, but no one wants it to rain on their wedding day, even if it is indoors.

“Now, isn’t this relaxing?” My fiancé surprises me with quite a forceful kiss on the cheek.

“Careful!” Steadying the paper plate I’m holding, I avoid dropping it onto the grass all together. “I’m not going to be very relaxed if you spill potato salad all over my new garden dress.”

“And what a stunning dress it is.” Callum kisses me more gently on my cheek this time. “You could wear that dress to the wedding and you’d still be the shining star of the day.”

I’d whack my fiancé on the arm for even suggesting I wear a picnic dress to my own wedding, but my hands are full of food and drink at the moment. “Let’s go find somewhere to sit.”

We’re at the CoTechnic open day picnic. It’s the one day per year when the science institute opens its doors to family and friends of its employees. Well, I say ‘open doors’ when I mean ‘open gates’. CoTechnic is a top former military scientific research facility. It has north, east, west and south security check points and only one of them is ‘open’ today. Everyone had to enter through the south gate to much trafficy frustrations.

Now that we’re here though, I really am starting to relax. Getting things sorted for the wedding have really done my head in lately.

“Oh look, there’s Lara. Let’s sit over there by her.” Callum and I wander over with plates and plastic cups of beer in hand. Lara is sat on a low brick wall munching on her food.

She looks up at us as we approach. There’s a terrible scowl on her face and I swear I see her eyes flash with tears briefly. “Oh my god, Emily.” Lara chokes down her bite of food and jumps to her feet. “Umm, I was just leaving.”

“You what?” I glance at Callum, surprised. He shrugs his shoulders. “But surely you just got here—”

“Yes but I… I need to finish your dress alterations.” Lara grumbles, looks at the ground and stomps away.

I can do nothing but gaze after her in astonishment. She’s been acting weird lately, but this just takes the biscuit. “I swear that girl is avoiding me.”

Callum and I take her empty space on the low wall. Other families with their children are milling about while some are sat on the grass eating. My fiancé snorts after taking a bite of food. “I’m sure Lara is just a bit nervous about getting her best friend’s dress just right, honey.”

Callum has a good point. I mean, it’s not like she would actually be trying to avoid me so close to my big day. I laugh quietly to myself. I don’t know why I’m so paranoid, it probably has something to do with the fact that I’ll be participating in the most profound moment of my life thus far, in two days’ time.

After we finish eating and downing our beers, I wander off on my own while Callum has a chat with some work colleagues.

“Bomb her!” I hear a child scream and I look up.

Sitting on top of an old military tank that’s been transformed into a statue, is a boy of about ten years in age.

“Watch out lady!” A younger girl who’s probably age eight, pops her head round the back of the de-commissioned tank.

It’s too late though. I now realise I’m standing in the worst possible place. I’ve walked into a trap and I now find myself staring up at the massive barrel of the tank’s gun.

“Don’t shoot!” I cry, raising my hands into the air. “I’m innocent I tell you!”

“You’re a terrorist, lady! And I’m going to blow you up!”

“Oh for god’s sake, Steven, get down from there this instant.”

Phew. I’ve just been saved from imaginary bombing by the boy’s mother. Paige has her hands on her hips and her face looks thunderous. I don’t know if she’s angry at her kid for climbing onto the tank, or if she’s more embarrassed by his outburst about terrorists.

“No way, Mum. I’ll save us all! BOOM! BANG!” Steven makes explosion noises and I really have no choice in the matter. I’m just going to have to die on the spot.

“Ugh!” I grip my chest as though I’ve just been shot. “You got me!” Feigning a death-strike, I plummet to my knees and roll in slow motion onto my back until I’m lying flat on the grass.

When a shadow passes over my closed eyes, I open them to see two juvenile heads peering down at me.

“You were blown up, lady.” Steven mocks. “There’s nothing left of you but a bloody steaming pile of guts and—”

“Stevie!” His pig-tailed sister shouts. “I’m telling Daddy you said bloody!”

Sitting up, I laugh as the two children run away. It’s not my place to spoil their fun, especially considering the little girl is probably going to get into the same amount of trouble for uttering the exact same curse word as her brother.

“Sorry about that, Emily.” Paige gives me a hand up.

“It’s no problem.” I smile and dust down my picnic dress. I’m just about to thank her for helping me off the ground, when she backs away.

“Yes well, we’ve got to be going now. I… umm… got a lot of preparations to do for your wedding meals.”

And with that she’s away, leaving me to stand and wonder why it seems everyone else is a lot more eager about my own wedding than I am today.

***

“Something the matter, my darling?” Callum detects my slight misery as I approach him.

“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing.” I reply while biting my lip and the scowl remains on my face.

“Nothing doesn’t cause such frownery. Come on, I’ll show you something that will cheer you up.”

My fiancé is right, what he shows me next does indeed cheer me. “So that rainbow coloured tube of crystal was actually grown?”

It’s hard to believe, but what I’m looking at is basically slightly transparent stone. Callum has brought me into the semi-conductor and robotics unit of CoTechnic. Inside a glass box lies a sample of silicon crystal.

“That’s amazing!” I exclaim. Callum knows I’ve always been fascinated with major scientific discoveries. If I had been the type of girl who was interested in maths during my school days, I would have studied genetics or biology. As it turned out, I actually hate numbers and shit, so my wonderful fiancé indulges me from time to time with fascinating scientific tid-bits. It only bothers him slightly that I’m the type who expects others to do the mathematical work, but he knows I just don’t have a scientist brain. Besides, he’s happy thinking he’s the smart one in our relationship. And he is really, as far as intelligence levels go. As for common sense, sometimes I wonder—

“Still worried about the wedding?” Callum misinterprets my thoughtful gaze as my eyes linger upon the crystal.

“Nope.” I look up and smile at him. “This tour has done the trick. I’m not worried at all anymore.”

“Not even a tiny bit worried?”

I shake my head at him and my smile grows wider. “Well, of course I’m slightly nervous. I’m going to be a real life bride in two days! Who wouldn’t stress about that?”

“Well, how about if I show you what else Oliver’s been working on? Would that take your mind off things?”

Where has this idea come from? My fiancé, of all people, should be aware of my abhorrence of those robotic things. Why on earth would he think I’d want to immerse myself in the very hive of where Oliver’s dastardly defective robots are created in the first place?

“I haven’t seen Oliver since the day he saw my tits, remember honey? I don’t think I ever want to come face to face with that man again.”

Callum cringes and scratches his head awkwardly. “I’d forgotten about that, but it doesn’t matter, Oliver isn’t here today.” He takes my hand. “Come on, Em. You’re not the only one who should see this. I haven’t exactly been offered the grand tour of Oliver’s facilities myself.”

I’m guided down the vast corridor. “You haven’t seen his robotics office?”

Callum snorts a laugh. “Office? Honey, I’m about to show you the largest lab on the entire campus. You’ll take that statement back once you get an eye-full of this place.”

“Oh well I’m so sorry mister scientific scientist smarty pants man. Take me to the secret laboratory then Igor! Ow!” I yelp in pain as Callum hunches his back while he walks, pulling my arm slightly downwards.

“Yessss, missstressss. ” My silly fiancé hisses. “Igor likes to please the doctor!”

“Oh stop it.” I pull on his hand and Callum stands straight again.

“Well, if you’re going to refer to me as doctor Frankenstein’s helper, I might as well play the part!”

He’s laughing, I’m giggling. We’re stumbling happily together running around corridors that run through one of the world’s top most scientific institutions. If anyone saw us now they might think we were getting married soon. And they’d be one hundred per cent correct!

I just love my Cal so much right now. He always knows best what will cheer me up. As we tumble into an elevator that requires Callum’s keypass to enter, I’m smitten with the luck of it all. How did I get so fortunate meeting this guy? He really is the perfect partner. Not only has he taken my mind off wedding worries, but I also haven’t been fretful about my fat in the slightest all day. I think that might be a world record in of itself really. I mean, is there another bride-to-be on the planet who doesn’t worry she might not fit correctly into her wedding dress on the big day?

I should probably stop thinking about such things right this minute.

“What if the power went out right now?” I gasp and pretend to grab my fiancé in fear for my life. “We’d be trapped in this lift forever!”

“We’d miss our own wedding if that happened.”

Well, that didn’t help. “I was trying to stop thinking about the wedding.”

“Oh.” The elevator doors slide open. “Well, this should take your mind off nuptial worries.” Callum spreads his arm wide as we both step out onto the strangest platform I’ve ever had the honour of standing upon.

It’s a circular balcony. I rush to the railing and look down. “Wow!” I exclaim. “Now that’s a proper laboratory!” Callum joins me and together we gaze down into a pit the size of a football pitch. There are machines and computers and pipes and wires and great big ducts running along the walls. It’s an environment the likes of which I’ve never seen. “This is even more amazing than the awesome lab on that Iron Man movie!”

“Meh.” Callum sounds bored. “Iron Man definitely has much better robots.”

I frown and turn to him. “Iron Man isn’t a robot, he wears… like… a robot suit.”

“Just making sure you were paying attention to the film, love.” He winks at me.

“Oh you arse.” I slap him across the air in front of his face. He takes my cue and turns his head rapidly to the side, acting like he’s just been totally bitch-slapped.

“Honestly, though. Don’t you think Oliver’s bots are a bit shit?”

A bit shit? “I’d say they’re complete pieces of crap, if you asked me.”

“I just did ask you.” Callum grins wildly at me.

“Do you need another theatrical punch in the face, darling?”

The grin of sarcasm remains etched upon his facial features. That is until the lift doors behind us slide open.

***

“Oh shit.” Callum whispers and grasps my arm. “Hide!”

“Hide?” I’m fearing for my life now. “What the bloody hell do you mean hide? Do you want me to throw myself over the bannister or something? Cal, are we not supposed to be here?”

“Heh.” He releases my arm and barks a laugh. “Just joking, honey.”

Seriously, my betrothed is about to get a real slap across the face if he keeps this jokery up. There’s distracting me from our wedding day with hilarity here and there, but this frivolity is starting to get out of hand.

About half a dozen people walk out of the elevator. “Callum, what are you and your lovely missus doing in here on such a fine day?” A pot-bellied man bellows jovially to my fiancé. “Well, as long as you’re here mate, you can run some numbers with us.”

Any normal civilian might balk at doing work on a day off, but scientists aren’t like normal people. If there’s a chance to crunch numbers into new scientific discoveries, they’re like accountants who actually love their jobs.

“Well what am I supposed to do?” I’m practically asking this of my fiancé’s back as he’s already joined the group of scientist as they walk away.

“Take my badge and get us a couple more beers, I’ll be out in a few minutes honey, I promise.” Callum hands me his CoTechnic passcard and that’s it, I’m left alone inside a top-secret laboratory. Somehow I don’t think the employees of this place take security very seriously. Well, they do have scientist brains, after all. Sometimes the term scatter-brained can aptly be applied to the most intelligent of our species as well.

Just as I’m about to use Callum’s keycard in the elevator panel, I notice another corridor along the balcony. There’s a water dispenser down there and I’m feeling too thirsty for beer at the moment. I’m sure it won’t matter if I grab myself a cup of water, even if it is supposed to be reserved for employees.

When I reach the next corridor I notice there’s another lift here anyway and after I fill up on liquid refreshment from the water dispenser, I turn towards the elevator. There’s no up or down button on the wall beside this lift, just like with the other elevator I have to use Callum’s security card by passing it through the swipe panel. A little light pings green and the lift doors slide open. I step inside and after the doors shut the elevator starts moving downwards rapidly. Only, I think it’s descending over way too many floors. I don’t recall the other elevator taking us up more than two floors when Callum and I had ridden them up to the laboratory balcony.

“Oh shit.” Where the bloody hell am I now? The lift doors have opened and I’m staring out into a corridor that curves away at the end. This is definitely not the same place that Callum and I had entered the building.

What do I do now? This stupid elevator doesn’t have any buttons for floors on the inside and the doors are still standing open.

Oh piss, I guess I’m just going to have to swipe Callum’s keycard again. Peeking around the lift entrance, I spot the card panel. Quickly, I slide my fiancé’s badge through it.

It pings green, but nothing happens. “Oh, duh!” I slap my forehead in disgust when I realise I’m blocking the doors from sliding shut with my big stupid head. I step out of the lift, swipe the badge again and still nothing happens.

“Shit!” I swear and swipe the keycard. Swear and swipe, swear and swipe. And nothing. The dumb elevator is broken. “Stupid piece of crap.” I kick the wall next to the lift. This causes me to stub my sandal clad toe, which hurts, so I swear some more and hobble off down the corridor. I don’t have any other choice really. Unless I want to play James Bond spy and see if I can find a loose panel on the ceiling of the elevator to crawl through, I’m going to have to see if there’s a way out down here.

I assume I’m at sub-basement level. The lift had brought me in a downwards direction past floors and floors. If it weren’t for the vastness of this large corridor and the beaming bright overhead halogen lights, I’d feel claustrophobic as though I were down into sub-terranian levels.

When my foot finally stops throbbing from self-inflicted torture I wrap my arms around myself and shiver. My dress is sleeveless and it’s quite cool down here.

Finally, I spot a door. At least, I think it’s a door. There’s no door handle on the large rectangular cut-out that seems to be stuck into the wall I’m facing, but like the elevator, there’s a passkey panel beside it.

I do the only thing I can do, and that’s to pass the card through the panel.

Ping.

It lights up green and the section of wall in front of me swings open like a bank vault door. The damn thing is thick as a vault door too, I can’t fail to notice this as I pass through the entrance.

Automatic lights blink on.

I haven’t discovered an exit to this blasted building, but what I have found takes my breath away in astonishment.

I’ve stepped into a miniature version of the laboratory upstairs. What isn’t miniature about the room is the size of the robot that’s stationed in the centre. It’s a monstrous thing that towers three metres over my head. Like the stupid great oven robot Oliver had sent to my cafe, this bot before me is a rectangular black number. At least, I think it’s a robot. There’s a black box on top of the thing that I’m presuming is its head. Sticking out of its sides are three robotic arms, each with ten human like fingers. The behemoth bot has a total of six arms and no feet.

I’ve come to realise by now that Oliver’s robots don’t need feet. Not with the way he’s made it possible for them to roll and float around all over the place.

Ping.

What was that? Was it the elevator? I’ve got to get out of here if the lift is working!

Backing quickly towards the door, I stop when I hear the sound of footsteps nearing. Tap, tap, tap, go the sound of high heels upon the floor. Someone’s coming and I’m wholly unprepared as I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be down here. Let alone supposed to be inside this laboratory!

Oh shit! Hide! I scream at myself inside my head, which is stupid, but I take my own advice nevertheless.

Quick as a flash, I slip off my sandals and hurry around to the other side of the gigantic robot. Outside the open doorway, the footfalls approach and then stop.

“Emily? Are you in there?”

“Callum!” I stop quivering like an idiot and jump out from behind the robot.

“F*cking hell, Em!” My fiancé is holding his chest in fright. “You scared the bejaysus out of me. What are you doing down here?”

“You scared me too! Why do your shoes bloody well sound like women’s high heels?”

“What…?” My fiancé shakes his head as though frustrated. “What are you on about…? Oh, never mind. We should really get out of here. I don’t think Oliver…” Callum’s voice trails off as he steps into the room. “F*ck me.” He whispers, looking up and up at the great big bot. “Where the bloody hell has Oliver got funding for that thing?”

What a strange question. “Who cares!” I state, not as a question. “Can we just get out of here please?” I slip my sandals back on and pull at Callum’s arm. “This place gives me the creeps.”

Eventually I manage to snap my fiancé out of his staring-at-robot revere and we make our way out of the room. The lights in the laboratory behind us go out and as we leave the door swings shut with quite a loud boom.

I don’t know how Callum found me down here, but obviously I’m glad he did. “You know how I joked that the elevator got stuck earlier and we’d be trapped?” I ask my fiancé as we head down the corridor. He doesn’t answer and he’s still got a very pensive look on his face. “Well you can remind me never to joke like that ever again. I was almost trapped down here forever!”

Callum ignores me, pulls another cardkey out of his pocket and swipes it through the lift panel. It pings and we ride up to the balcony lab in silence. We change elevators and when it lets us out on ground level I practically run out of the building. I’m so pleased to be once again out in open air, I don’t even mind that Callum still hasn’t said a single word to me.

“What’s wrong, honey?” I question him as we walk together arm in arm.

“What…?” He looks up and around as though realising for the first time that we’re outside. “Oh… it’s nothing, babe. I was just thinking about Oliver’s lab.”

“Why? His balcony laboratory was much bigger and far more impressive.”

“That’s just it though.” We stop walking and I turn to my fiancé as adds, “Oliver isn’t supposed to have another lab.”